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I recently flew back east to be with part of my family for Thanksgiving and it’s so fucking weird. We drive everywhere, the grocery store is enormous and filled with oodles of things covered in the New England Patriots, it’s cold, and there aren’t any sidewalks. I guess I’ve been living in an organic, eco-friendly, untelevised bubble. Television is easy to forget about once you remove it from your living space. Here’s what I learned from TV today:

  • Kohl’s “door buster” sale begins at FOUR AM!!!
  • Everyone else is also having a “door buster” sale
  • McDonald’s opens at 5 AM (or earlier), McMuffins sell at 2 for $3
  • All the drama is on TNT

My mom told me that President Bush opened up some military airspace to help with the holiday traffic. FINALLY my nation’s leader listens to me and my fellow flustered frequent fliers. I’m so glad he chose our plight over more pressing issues. Fuck foreigners, I need to see my cat over the holidays. But seriously, I think it worked because I didn’t wait on JFK’s tarmac for 70 hours. And that made up for the redeye flight I took from San Francisco. That incredibly convenient flight sucks, unless maybe you take sleeping pills or get drunk in first class with your friends. Anyway, I’m glad it only works in one direction. has this gift list feature, maybe it’s new, I wouldn’t know, where you can make lists for your loved ones and add stuff to the list so you don’t forget to buy things for them! It can remind you of their birthdays, and I guess Christmas too but you don’t really need to be reminded of that because of TV. It stores your gift history and gives you recommendations for every recipient you list. If you decide to describe them (options include: Camper, Eccentric, AltRocker, and College Student) you get even more suggestions. For example, I said my dad was an “Artistic Soul” and they recommended a set of finger paints. It needs some work, I guess.

Happy Thanksgiving.




March 2023

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